Archive for December 2008

STOP Kids on Shoulders!

December 30, 2008

Kids on Shoulders

Look, I’m all for children having fun.  And, I certainly understand how they would greatly enjoy riding on their father’s shoulders as he walks around, I certainly did back some 25 years ago.  But this is New York fucking City!  Not Main Street, U.S.A. at Disneyland or a Fourth of July picnic.  It’s simply not safe for a man with a kid on his shoulders to be wading through tourist quicksand, getting bumped left and right by other tourists and, even worse, fast-moving juking and jiving locals.  Now, walking as fast as humanly possible becomes a risky endeavor for me as I may lower a shoulder or shiver a forearm and teeter the top-heavy man, injuring the child when he plummets to the sidewalk.

Sunday at the Met

December 30, 2008

Sunday at the Met

“DANG, Shawnda.   This place is HUGE!!!   Why don’t they have those movin’ sidewalks like we rode at the airport?”

Shoulda worn their walkin’ shoes

Tourist Terms: TOURIST QUICKSAND

December 29, 2008

Most prevalent during the holidays and at particularly touristy hot spots (i.e. Rockefeller Center, Times Square, any Cold Stone Creamery locale, etc), this phenomenon occurs when so many slow-, non-moving, and obese out-of-towners congregate together that human quicksand is created, making it virtually impossible for brisk-walkin’ locals to move.

(coined by reader Pitch’nPutt)

47 Million

December 29, 2008

Fucking tourists visited the city this year.  A record.

http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/12/29/record-47-million-tourists-visit-city

With enough posts about these fatsos and their tapered jeans, I’m certain that NYCTourists can get that number down to 46.5 million in 2009!

Are You Gellin’?

December 29, 2008

Gellin'

No?  Well Arlene certainly is.   In fact, they’re now all out of Suave Extra-Hold at the 42nd & Lex Duane Reade.  Gotta keep that edgy style in place when you go skatin’.

Anyone know where we can find a nice crowded rink around here?

TOURIST TALK

December 28, 2008

Saturday night, Times Square.

A tourist rube curiously approaches a cop.  Using an upturned hand to motion to the busy crowd around him.

TOURIST RUBE:  “Hey man, somethin’ going on here tonight?”

Tourist Terms: CROSSWALK LEMMINGS

December 24, 2008

Us New Yorkers pay no heed to crosswalks, red lights, and walk signs, only monitoring traffic and when to safely cross, sometimes only having a fraction of a second to dart from one side of the street to the other.  Many a time a New Yorker will cross–technically illegally–during a green light because he or she sees an opening, causing a herd of tourists to absentmindedly start to follow suit without paying attention to cars and the fact that they are about to get fucking creamed.