Archive for January 2009

The Letterman

January 29, 2009

letterman

“Yeah, NYC bitches, letters in cross country and tennis.  Twice!  Now who wants to take a ride on my virginal cock?”

Google Search

January 27, 2009

You might not realize this, but blog owners get to have a little daily fun by seeing all the particular google searches that found them on any given day.  We know I’m the king of being located with a “tapered jeans” search, natch, but today I was found via a fairly interesting and somewhat sleazy topic:

meet female tourists visiting new york

Yes, I’ve never written about this before, but having lived in the outskirts of tourist central (Hell’s Kitchen) for years, I have indeed come into contact with quite a few out-of-town females looking to get frisky with a jen-you-wine New Yorker.

Quite frankly, it’s pretty easy to pick-up a female tourist:  just go to one of those bland 8th Avenue corporate bars after dinner time on a Tuesday or a Wednesday.  I’m talking places like Social, Latitude, and the late and semi-great Scruffy Duffy’s.  The kind of tourists that will be looking for some action are also the kind that can’t afford to stay in the city on weekends and likewise stay in Times Square hotels.  They’re too scared to venture to “real” parts of town but adventurous enough that they’re tired of the Marriot Marquis bar and the gross Irish pub next to the Sbarro’s by their hotel.  So they walk west young man and soon they find 8th Avenue and they see a bar that kinda looks cool and, wow, pints are $6 (crazy!) and sure enough now they think they’re drinking with actual New Yorkers.  They’re probably not.  It’s all happy hour heroes that need to get back to Jersey soon.  Close enough.  And by 9:00, 10:00 PM, the bar’s thinned out and it’s you and some tourists and they, of course, can’t drink and, “Get out!  You really live just around the corner?  And we can go up on your roof?!  In New York City?!”

I suppose if you are a real scumbag you could go to hotel bars and hang out, but come on fella, that’s like shooting fish in a barrel.  If barrels full of fish sold Manhattans for $15 and were full of divorcees from Tampa on a ladies weekend.

One further point:  an ex-girlfriend of mine was an unabashed fan of Applebee’s–in a non-ironic fashion–and once made me take her on a date to the 50th Street location.  Two things galled me on that date:  1) paying $19 for a prepackaged and frozen piece of shit “Cowboy” burger and 2) the massive amount of fine tourist tail tippling Miller Lights with abandon in the restaurant bar.  I assume the same is true for the bars at fellow corporate dumps like the Olive Garden, Bubba Gump’s, TGIFriday’s, Ruby Tuesday’s, and if you’re a certain persuasion Red Lobster, though I won’t get any more politically-incorrect than that.

As for me, I’m never setting foot in an Applebee’s again and I’m likewise tired of tourist girls.  They’re too nice, too boring, too earnest, wear too much make-up, and don’t understand sarcasm.  I like my New York gals:  sassy, bitchy, aggressive, intellectual, promiscuous, transgressive, awesome…

WARNING!!! WARNING!!! DANGER!!! DANGER!!!

January 27, 2009

escaped-mink

Authorities are reporting than an overfed and rabid mink has escaped from the Bronx Zoo.  Please avoid riding the 2 train today as the mink has been seen riding it back and forth between the Bronx and South Ferry, feasting on Rubenesque tourists.

photo credit:  Christine H

With Locals This Fucking Awesome…

January 26, 2009

obama-luggage

…we don’t need no stinkin’ tourists!

Seriously, NYC visitors, pick your game up. You guys are boring me in January.

photo credit: Little Red

Tourist Terms: THE “IS THAT…?” QUESTION

January 24, 2009

When a local goes sightseeing with a new-to-the-city tourist, the local will find their friend and/or relative constantly staring at things with a confused look of possible recognition before they squint their eyes and ask, “Is that…?” A question they never finish but which would be finished with such things as: “…that famous tall building?,” “…that place where Liz Lemon works?,” and “…that Naked Cowboy?,” etc.

The answer to any “Is that…?” question is always:

YES!

Tourists, everything in New York City is famous. So, if you assume you recognize something, you do. The whole city is an icon.

A Tourist Would Never Dare Fall Asleep…

January 22, 2009

….on the subway.  But these sleepyheads did!

A great site!

Oy Vey

January 21, 2009

PRESS RELEASE:

MAYOR BLOOMBERG AND NYC & COMPANY UNVEIL STATE-OF-THE-ART INFORMATION CENTER AND LAUNCH NYCGO.COM TO HELP RESIDENTS AND VISITORS EXPLORE AND ENJOY NEW YORK CITY

Great.  I live a block from this fucking place.