Google Search

You might not realize this, but blog owners get to have a little daily fun by seeing all the particular google searches that found them on any given day.  We know I’m the king of being located with a “tapered jeans” search, natch, but today I was found via a fairly interesting and somewhat sleazy topic:

meet female tourists visiting new york

Yes, I’ve never written about this before, but having lived in the outskirts of tourist central (Hell’s Kitchen) for years, I have indeed come into contact with quite a few out-of-town females looking to get frisky with a jen-you-wine New Yorker.

Quite frankly, it’s pretty easy to pick-up a female tourist:  just go to one of those bland 8th Avenue corporate bars after dinner time on a Tuesday or a Wednesday.  I’m talking places like Social, Latitude, and the late and semi-great Scruffy Duffy’s.  The kind of tourists that will be looking for some action are also the kind that can’t afford to stay in the city on weekends and likewise stay in Times Square hotels.  They’re too scared to venture to “real” parts of town but adventurous enough that they’re tired of the Marriot Marquis bar and the gross Irish pub next to the Sbarro’s by their hotel.  So they walk west young man and soon they find 8th Avenue and they see a bar that kinda looks cool and, wow, pints are $6 (crazy!) and sure enough now they think they’re drinking with actual New Yorkers.  They’re probably not.  It’s all happy hour heroes that need to get back to Jersey soon.  Close enough.  And by 9:00, 10:00 PM, the bar’s thinned out and it’s you and some tourists and they, of course, can’t drink and, “Get out!  You really live just around the corner?  And we can go up on your roof?!  In New York City?!”

I suppose if you are a real scumbag you could go to hotel bars and hang out, but come on fella, that’s like shooting fish in a barrel.  If barrels full of fish sold Manhattans for $15 and were full of divorcees from Tampa on a ladies weekend.

One further point:  an ex-girlfriend of mine was an unabashed fan of Applebee’s–in a non-ironic fashion–and once made me take her on a date to the 50th Street location.  Two things galled me on that date:  1) paying $19 for a prepackaged and frozen piece of shit “Cowboy” burger and 2) the massive amount of fine tourist tail tippling Miller Lights with abandon in the restaurant bar.  I assume the same is true for the bars at fellow corporate dumps like the Olive Garden, Bubba Gump’s, TGIFriday’s, Ruby Tuesday’s, and if you’re a certain persuasion Red Lobster, though I won’t get any more politically-incorrect than that.

As for me, I’m never setting foot in an Applebee’s again and I’m likewise tired of tourist girls.  They’re too nice, too boring, too earnest, wear too much make-up, and don’t understand sarcasm.  I like my New York gals:  sassy, bitchy, aggressive, intellectual, promiscuous, transgressive, awesome…

Explore posts in the same categories: Screeds

38 Comments on “Google Search”

  1. Goggla Says:

    Thank god I’m an Applebees virgin.

  2. Aaron Goldfarb Says:

    You’re lucky. I should have dumped that girl the second she told me how much she liked Applebee’s. It’s not even a quality shit chain! It would be one thing to like Chili’s–but Applebee’s?!?!?! YEESH!

  3. Goggla Says:

    Never been to Chili’s either…or OliveGardenRedLobsterCheesecakeFactory…you gotta get out of Times Square.

  4. Aaron Goldfarb Says:

    I don’t think I’ve been to a chain restaurant since that Applebee’s incident which occurred circa May 2007. I grew up in the cultureless burbs though so chain restaurants were inflicted on me.

  5. Goggla Says:

    When ever I see IHOP commercials, I’m entranced. If one ever comes to Manhattan…

  6. Aaron Goldfarb Says:

    You’re telling me, sister! That IHOP streusel commercial is like pornography.

    Oh boy, I’m getting turned on again. Where’s the closest IHOP? Might be time for a road trip. Or maybe we’ll hold the 1st Annual NYCTourists Convention there.

  7. Goggla Says:

    I’ve heard tales of one in…Queens?

  8. Aaron Goldfarb Says:

    Jersey City, Brooklyn, and Harlem. I guess their not as exotic as we thought and indeed in Manhattan even.

  9. Goggla Says:

    Harlem? If I walk up there and back, I can justify the Grand Slam. 🙂

  10. Aaron Goldfarb Says:

    You’re getting your breakfast chains confused!

    I love the street names in Harlem. Awesome.

  11. Goggla Says:

    Ahaha, now you know I really am deprived!

    Now that the Cheyenne is moving to Alabama, I don’t know where to get an omelet.

  12. Aaron Goldfarb Says:

    You should be proud that you don’t know!

    Hmmmm…I’m overly opinionated on just about everything, but I can’t name the best omelet in the city right now. I like Georgio’s on 53rd. Let me think some more…

  13. Stephanie Says:

    I agree IHOP is great, but can we please get a freaking DQ up in here? I hate seeing commercials for the newest blizzard, knowing the nearest DQ is in Jersey. Lame!

  14. Aaron Goldfarb Says:

    Oh my god, that Girl Scout Cookie Blizzard they were advertising this summer gave me an erection every time they showed the commercial!

  15. Are you kidding? Please don’t complain about the lack of chain restaurants in NY. That is why NY is still a great city! DC on the other hand is full of them… Cosi, Caribou, Starbucks, Pot Belly, Five Guys, Chipotle, Baja Fresh, and all that other lame shit that can actually affort the rent. DC is absolutely LACKING in original, good restaurants. Anything even slightly mistaken for original is automatically $50/plate, and is usually disappointing. I can’t even find pizza in this joint! Aaron, I’m coming to visit… SOON.

  16. Aaron Goldfarb Says:

    NYCers like to ironically pretend to like chain restaurants that aren’t in the city. But Stephanie and Goggla are right–those IHOP and DQ commercials are seductive! Sonic too.

    And, yeah, DC food I have found underwhelming, though it’s a much better drinking city than I ever would have thought.

  17. pastoralia Says:

    I prefer my dining to be at P.J. O’Pootertoots.

  18. Aaron Goldfarb Says:

    I like Uncle Moe’s Family Feedbag.

  19. pastoralia Says:


    I’m going to DC in a couple of weeks…surely there must be some cool places? Bar Pilar? Granville Moore’s? Queen Makeda? Anything?

    And don’t knock 5 Guys…that burger is fuckin’ fan=fuckin’-tastic.

  20. pastoralia Says:


    I’m going to DC in a couple of weeks…surely there must be some cool places? Bar Pilar? Granville Moore’s? Queen Makeda? Anything?

    And don’t knock 5 Guys…that burger is fuckin’ fan=fuckin’-tastic.

    Adam- where are the good drinking spots (a la the now defunct Village Idiot variety?)

  21. Aaron Goldfarb Says:

    I lived at the Village Idiot from age 22 to 24-5 as that was pretty much the only place I could afford to get wasted at.

    Nowadays, I more of a craft beer drinker though (my other blog

    For that, check out Birrerria Paradiso or Rustico in NoVa.

    For booze I like a place simply called Bourbon.

    I think DC is a bit too sissiefied for flat out dive bars, though i can recall being to a few near the Capital.

  22. pastoralia Says:

    Cool thanks…I’m more of a craft ale drinker nowadays too…There will never be another Village Idiot.

  23. Aaron Goldfarb Says:

    I’ll never forget the sawdust vomit smell of the Idiot. Honestly, I could probably have a blog solely dedicated to remembrances about crazy nights there.

    True story: I was there the night the Idiot shut for good. The NY Post sent a photographer and did a full two-page fold-out spread with yours truly front and center. I think I still have that paper somewhere. Maybe I’ll scan it and post it sometime.

    I’ve never liked another dump as much as the Idiot. Rudy’s is fine but it lacks a certain oomph.

  24. pastoralia Says:

    It was probably better to puke at the bar than risk puking anywhere near those fetid, abysmal “bathrooms”. Good times.

  25. Aaron Goldfarb Says:

    Never once was in that bar when the sinks weren’t filled to the fucking brim with vomit. Never ONCE. My friend threw up on the bar once and the bartender proceeded to water gun the puke and his face for like a minute straight. Seriously one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

  26. Anton Says:

    Oh man the DQ!

    I had me a Recees Peanut Butter Cup Blizzard last night, and ate it on the Atlantic. Never cease to be the most delish thing in the world.

  27. Aaron Goldfarb Says:

    The Atlantic?

  28. Anton Says:


  29. Goggla Says:

    I have vague memories of teh Idiot…VAGUE.

    Try Antarctica. They serve their drinks in pint glasses and have crappy bathrooms, to boot.

  30. Aaron Goldfarb Says:

    I haven’t been to Antartica in ages.

    Did Chumley’s ever reopen? Any one know?

  31. Goggla Says:

    I’d heard that it did… or that it was going to. Last time I was there, though, it was full of tourists. I was so proud of myself the first time I found the place – I stumbled on it one night (drunk) after following the scent of sausages into the courtyard – and I was really disappointed to see the room stuffed full of out-of-towners with their LL Bean canvas totes and boat shoes.

  32. Aaron Goldfarb Says:

    Interesting. I haven’t been there in at least two years. How in the hell do tourists even know about that place?! Many locals barely do.

    I would think locals in the area would find Caliente Cab more their speed.

  33. pastoralia – the “brewing” places here are Capitol City Brewery (is ok, not great) and Gordon Biersch (chaiin). DC Chophouse has some of its own brews, or at least some unusual ones, that are ok. The Brickskellar in Dupont claims to have the largest variety of beers in the world, but I’ve ordered sometimes 4 different choices before finding one that was actually in stock.

    There is a lot of drinking going on – mostly for happy hour, where the yuppies are drowning their sorrows of an overworked / unattractive and therefore undersatisfied people, with long commutes and trust funds.

  34. Aaron Goldfarb Says:

    Yeah, Brickskellar has an impressive menu but they never have shit.

    DC: Pastoralia referenced the Village Idiot here in NYC which was a huge dive bar dump. Do you have any dive recommendations for him?

  35. Oh, and if you want to hang with the sloppy drunk crowd, try the Front Page (chain, in Dupont), the Guards in Georgetown, or McFaddens (chain) in Foggy Bottom. Sign of the Whale is gross, but the college kids dance on the chairs if you’re into that. For a better time, go to Mr. Smith’s piano bar in Gtown or Murphy’s and Union Pub in Alexandria.

  36. Dive bars and dumps – all of Adams Morgan. There’s “madame’s organ,” Havana Village (great mojitos), Heaven and Hell, it’s just bar after bar after bar. At Dan’s cafe they give you a cup of alcohol and a cup of mixer – do-it-yourself. Bossa is a nice place that I like there, and Saki has interesting breakdancing nights – maybe Tuesdays? I haven’t been in a while. I stopped going there around 23 b/c I felt WAY too old.

  37. Not-so-dumpy places are located in the 8th street area (South Capitol or Eastern Market Metro stop). There are some places where congressmen hang out if you are into that – like Cap Lounge, Politiki, Fin Macools, Hawk and Dove… a few others. You’ll like Cap Lounge.

  38. pastoralia Says:

    Cool…I guess I’ll just take a stroll/stagger through Adams Morgan one night and see what happens.

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