Archive for the ‘Tourist Talk’ category


January 21, 2009

My Father the NYC Tourist and I took a cab to the restaurant.  I got out of the car first and moved to the sidewalk while he paid.  It was taking forever.  What was going on?  It looked like my father was haggling with the cab-driver.

I walked back to the taxi, finding my father quite flummoxed.

“What’s going on, dad?”

My father held up a $20 bill in his hand.

“This guy doesn’t have change for a $20.  What should I do?”

“He’s lying to you because you’re dressed like such a hayseed.  Come on.  We just won’t pay him.”

I pulled my dad from the car and as we began to walk away the cabbie miraculously “found” the correct amount of change.  He had obviously been trying to dupe my father into a $13 tip, thinking he was a tourist fool of the highest order.

And here’s the funny thing…

Back in his early-twenties, my father was an actual NYC cab-driver!  He had probably used this same “trick” himself!!!  Unbelievable.


January 16, 2009

Phone conversation with My Father the NYC Tourist.

MFTT:  Hi, just got into the city.

AARON:  Cool, where you at?

MFTT:  Somewhere in the 60s.

AARON:  East or West side?

MFTT:  Uh…West.

AARON:  What avenue?

MFTT:  Not sure.  (yelling out to someone) What avenue is this? (back to me) Columbus.

AARON:  So are you at Columbus Circle?

MFTT:  What’s that?

AARON:  You lived in New York for over 30 years and you don’t know what that is?!  What street are you on?

MFTT:  I’m in some coffee shop.  67th I think.

AARON:  Oh, that Starbucks there?

MFTT:  You want me to go to a Starbucks?  I think I saw one nearby.

AARON:  NO!  Are you at Starbucks?

MFTT:  No, just a coffee shop.

AARON:  Well which fucking one?

MFTT:  Give me a second to walk outside and see what this place is called.

AARON:  For God’s sakes!  Just sit there and I will come find you.

I hang up.

Two minutes later I get  a text from my father:  “where should I meet you?”


January 9, 2009

Just nine days into the New Year, we have our first bid for Tourist of the Year.  To wit:

Columbus Circle.  Three fiftysomething female tourists.  One walks quite briskly, staying a good ten feet in front of her two pals.

SLOW TOURIST FRIEND:  Mary, slow down, we can’t keep up!

SLOW TOURIST FRIEND #2:  You’re walking too fast!

Without breaking stride, Mary turns back toward her two friends.

MARY:  No you guys are walking too slow.  I’m walking New York speed.  You’re walking Arizona speed.

Congratulations, Mary, NYCTourists salutes you!  A true tourism hero!


January 2, 2009

89th and 5th Avenue.  Local resident Pitch’nPutt gives his out-of-town friend a tour of the city.

PITCH ‘N PUTT:  And over there’s the Guggenheim.

OUT-OF-TOWNER:  The what?!

PITCH ‘N PUTT:  The Guggenheim.  It’s an incredibly famous museum.

OUT-OF-TOWNER:  Nope.  Never heard of it.


December 28, 2008

Saturday night, Times Square.

A tourist rube curiously approaches a cop.  Using an upturned hand to motion to the busy crowd around him.

TOURIST RUBE:  “Hey man, somethin’ going on here tonight?”


December 16, 2008

FEMALE TOURIST: Here it is, Columbus Circle.

FRIEND: Absolutely gorgeous. But which Columbus is it named after?

Tourist Talk

December 13, 2008

heard and sent in by reader Jacki:

An old hick kvetching to his hick wife at a 5th Avenue crosswalk:

OLD HICK: “D’ere’s juss too danged many people! Why cain’t we just drive upta Inyunaplis to go to the mall if alls you wanna do is shop?”